Social discourse is the tool of social interaction that acts as a carrier of meanings, ideas and values in society.
Wrapped up in that are manners and etiquette.
Etiquette is the set of norms of personal behaviour in polite society, usually occurring in the form of an ethical code of the expected and accepted social behaviours that accord with the conventions and norms observed and practised by a society.
Manners are a way of behaving towards other people.
I attended Takapau Primary School in the 1960s, and the school motto was and still is on the gate in wrought iron: Manners maketh man. Man means our species, so we don’t have to spoil its lovely alliteration by replacing it with people.
The Knowledge Hub says: “The proverb ‘manners maketh man’ derives from a shared understanding that courtesy and good manners are essential to the preservation of human interaction and relationships. Good manners can be applied to several aspects of human life, including how we speak, the words we use, the tone of our voice, our gestures and our actions.”
I know I’m not alone in thinking that what seems like an old fashioned idea – that good manners are important – is still as relevant today as always.
I’m not religious but the Bible’s Golden Rule, “so in everything, do unto others what you would have them do to you …” (Matthew 7:12) is a sound principle. So sound that all other religions have similar rules of conduct.
I’ve been increasingly uncomfortable about the change in social discourse in recent years. Not just in this country but all around the world.
Social media is not the primary cause but it certainly allows keyboard warriors to express their outrage and nastiness, often behind anonymity.
We hear of software such as troll farms. A troll farm or troll factory is an institutionalised group of internet trolls that seeks to interfere in political opinions and decision-making. These groups of people have the ability to generate massive amounts of propaganda and misinformation and get it directly to people through social media.
And because the social media companies financially thrive on clicks, they do their best to not limit the activity.
A lot of the commentary in the past week about Jacinda Ardern’s resignation and the reasons behind it have pointed to the amount of vitriol, hate and misogyny directed at her.
Ardern didn’t say that was the reason; she said she simply lacked the fuel in the tank to go through another year with a potential term after that.
But she couldn’t say that, because it would only empower those who decide they don’t like Chris Hipkins or Chris Luxon and employ similar tactics in the future.
When you hear that your prime minister – whoever that may be – has protection because of the number of death threats but, worse, so do her partner and four-year-old child, also because of threats, a rational and sane person has to believe that this is not the country we want it to be.
The threats need to be taken seriously because the mosque shootings show there are individuals even within this society who go beyond being keyboard warriors.
It’s not just the likes of politicians and journalists who have hate and unpleasantness directed at them in these times.
I’ve written this column for 28 years and for the first 24 would either get nice feedback or the correspondent and me would agree to disagree, amicably.
I’m by no means a controversial opinion writer but over the past few years have had some heated and unpleasant opinions of my views.
I reply by thanking them for the feedback and say let’s agree to disagree and not trouble each other again.
It works for some but appears to incense others.
I’ve learnt not to try to argue rationally with these people but instead block the email or phone number so that both of us can move onto other, more agreeable things.
This is only a small taste of what folk with higher profiles get and I don’t much like it.
None of us is ever going to agree with everyone else’s ideas or policies, and there are some people we may not particularly like.
But don’t we all want to live in a civil society that functions peacefully and where manners are important and other people aren’t threatening our own family members or directing public hatred in our direction?
Well, I do, and it may be a naïve position to take but we as a society should learn from this recent experience and as individuals do everything to discourage this behaviour.
Little things like not forwarding links or memes or stuff that is dressed up as humour but is just plain nastiness.
As my mum used to say, “If you haven’t got something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
